You met a guy or girl online and he or she looked hot. Great bod. Enviable hair. Crystal blue eyes. Perhaps a winning personality too. So you set up a first date at the local wine bar and eagerly await your date's arrival, when what appears to be a troll with missing teeth walks through the door and asks, "Are you (name)?" You nearly choke on your wine and/or poop your pants. This person has seen your pic and yours actually looks like you. You know you can't be drunk because you've only had two sips of Cabernet. You think you're screwed into spending the evening with The Hobbit, instead of your initial plans of possibly getting screwed by your dream date. Don't fret. You can get out of this date smoothly and with consideration for the one you're about to ditch.
Here are 11 first date escape plans you can actually pull off with that certain je ne sais quoi that won't even offend the hobgoblin who thinks they've met "The One."
1. Pre-Plan to Receive a Check-In Call
Before you head out, alert a good friend that you're about to go on a date, and you may need to scoot if it turns out to be a dud. Have the pal call you about 15-20 minutes into the date to see how it's going. Have a code word in case you want to bail. If you use it, your pal can alert you to some sort of "emergency" in which your aid is required. Not only do you get an escape plan, but your date will think you're a good amigo for being willing and able to help out a friend on the spot.
2. Feign Allergies
When your date arrives, start wheezing and scratching. If that alone isn't a major turn off and makes your date the one seeking a back door so slip out of, it gives you an excuse to claim you've fallen victim to an allergy attack. Blame the sulfites in the wine or tell your date that your roommate's cat must have slept in your underwear drawer. You must go home and get your meds immediately. Pay for the drinks and proceed to the parking lot. Be sure to maintain the itchy body twitches until you are out of sight.
3. Have One Drink, Then Bail
You know the date won't go anywhere, but you're already there so you may as well have one measly drink. Make small talk and inform your horror date that you always make your first dates snappy. Either you will finish up and get going or realize you may actually have some mutual interests and want to stick around a while. Just be sure you reveal your quick date preference before meeting up, or else your plan will be corked.
4. "Forget" You Had to Watch Your Sister's Kids
Once your date arrives and you know this fella or chic is not your type, peer into your phone and feign alarm at the non-existent text from your sister reminding you it was your night to babysit. Even show your date pics of the kids (if there actually are any) so you seem family-oriented. Apologize and offer up some gas money for the trip home. Family first, right?
5. Pretend You've Dated the Bartender
Awkwardness is a gift when you need to escape a first date disaster. Tell your date that you must get the hell outta there because you've dated the bartender and it didn't end well. Your horrified date won't likely want to stick around either due to the uncomfortable atmosphere. Say thanks for coming and suggest meeting up another time. *Leave out the "with another person" part.
6. Have a Friend Crash
Inform a "wingman/woman" where you'll be and have them show up to the spot. If things are going well, say hello and tell said wingperson to scram. Otherwise, plan for him or her to act like a complete nitwit and ruin your date. Either the date will head for the door or you can act like the better person and suggest you both leave and plan for another time. (Just don't make any promises).
7. You've Got to Wake Up Early for Work
Like the one drink and leave scenario, let your date know you need to make it zippy because you've got an important presentation at 8 am. You'll have a way out and your date will think you are a dedicated employee and hard worker. 25 minutes max and you're good to go home (or meet out with people you actually want to be seen with).
8. Come Up with a New Date Idea
OK, so there is no way you would go out with this freak ever again, but you've already set aside the evening, so why not make something good come from it? Move the date from the wine bar to something you wanted to do anyway. Catch the latest action flick or grab a burger. Unless your date is simply unbearable for a few hours, doing something fun won't kill you.
9. Pretend You're Still in Love with Your Ex
Make your date the one who must head for the hills. Whimper and moan about your ex to the point it's disgusting. If you can muster up a tear, that's a bonus. Say how wonderful your ex was and how no other could ever take their place. The more desperate and low you behave, the less likely this new date will want to spend another minute with you.
10. Be Honest (Sorta)
They say honesty is the best policy, so why not try it on this hellish date. Just tell your date you had looked forward to meeting but you don't see it going anywhere. Do not include anything you think is "wrong" with him or her, just claim that you are looking for X, Y, and Z and be sure the date has none of those attributes. At least your disappointed date can't accuse you of being a liar.
11. Don't Be Honest
While this isn't all that kind, make up an outlandish reason why the date must end, immediately. Pretend you've been deported or realized you were gay the night before. Tell your date that your mom said you can only date atheists or you've taken an oath of celibacy. As long as your excuse leaves no room for your date to convince you that the date can still resume, you've got a pretty solid escape plan.
Have you ever had to bail on a first date upon first sight? What was your technique for getting out of it?