CULTURE

Your Guide To Post Election Thanksgiving Sides Based On Your State

Red State or Blue State - Have we got a side for you.

While the noise and bluster of Hellection Season continues, Turkey-Lurkey Time has arrived, folks.

This year will be tricky—no "to Grandmother's house we go," no crew of relatives in turkey-induced comas sacked out on the sofa binge-watching The Queen's Gambit, no furious political arguments followed by silent sulking.

Impeccable Thanksgiving Plate of Turkey and Sides

Even if we're not cooking for 12, food is central to any holiday celebration. And Thanksgiving is no exception. Turkey wins hands-down, but what about those vitally important side dishes?

Thanks to the 10 Plagues of 2020, we're tossing aside the old Thanksgiving classics and going for some altogether different kinda sides—radical sides—state by state.

We risked life and limb among urban outliers and out-there-in-the-hinterlands and came up with an entirely unscientific survey of all 50 states (and lonely DC):

ALABAMA: Dressing, M'Dear

ALASKA: Hashbrown Casserole 'Cause Our Taters Are Frozen

ARIZONA: Chickens Come Home to Rooster Stew

ARKANSAS: Yellow-Bellied Possum Pie

CALIFORNIA: Vegan Organic CBD-Dressed Salad, Duh!

COLORADO: Mountains of Gratitude au Gratin

CONNECTICUT: Mashed Potatoes & Wasp Crisp

DELAWARE: Slippery Dumpling Mac-N-Cheese

DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA: Set Me Up Souffle

FLORIDA: Finely Minced Outrage

GEORGIA: A Super-Sized Can of Peach Whoop-Ass

HAWAII: Hang Ten Conquerors Stew

IDAHO: Taters Till We Die

ILLINOIS: Mashed Taters Till We Die

INDIANA: Deviled Eggs (Seriously, Indiana?)

IOWA: Corn

KANSAS: Just Always Gonna Be Corn

KENTUCKY: Broccoli Casserole & Impeach-mint Juleps

LOUISIANA: Napoleonic Gumbo

MAINE: Politically Colorectal Collard GRRRRRRReeeeens

MARYLAND: She-Crab Mac-N-Cheese

MASSACHUSETTS: Stuffing with Pan-Seared Snark

MICHIGAN: Sick of Orange, Switches from Pumpkin to Mincemeat Pie

MINNESOTA: Mashed Potatoes & Ludicrous Lutefisk

MISSISSIPPI: Overbaked Marshmallow Sweet Tater Casserole, Darlin'

MISSOURI: Sympathy for the Devil's Food Cake

MONTANA: O, Home On the Rage Smashed Taters

NEBRASKA: Red (The Color Formerly Known As Green) Bean Casserole

NEVADA: Vegas All-You-Can-Eat Revenge

NEW HAMPSHIRE: Saucy Cranberry Sauce

NEW JERSEY: Fill the Bowls! We're Legal!

NEW MEXICO: Cazuela de Judías Verdes

NEW YORK: Told Ya So—Now Eat Our Bagel Holes


Thanksgiving Dinner With Sides

NORTH CAROLINA (See South Carolina): Dixie Mac-N-Cheese Holdout

NORTH DAKOTA: Mashed Potatoes w/ Self-Righteous Gravy

OHIO: Red Jello with Seven Blueberries

OKLAHOMA: Purge Your Voting Rolls

OREGON: Bitter Greens Stewed in Protest

PENNSYLVANIA: Schadenfreude Succotash

RHODE ISLAND: Stuff It, White House, Stuffing

SOUTH CAROLINA (See North Carolina): Dixie Mac-N-Cheese On Lindsey Graham Crackers

SOUTH DAKOTA: Crescent Rolls Baked Straight

TENNESSEE: Sweet Potato Casserole w/ Blood Pudding

TEXAS: Slow-Cooked Longing for the Good Ol' Bush Days

UTAH: Latter-Day Crescent Rolls Over Salted Wounds

VERMONT: Stuffing Until We're Stuffed

VIRGINIA: Dixie Mac-N-Cheese Holdout

WASHINGTON: We-Put-It-to-Bed Potatoes

WEST VIRGINIA: Rollover Rolls-Rolls-Rolls

WISCONSIN: Mashed Potatoes with Hot Buttered Indignation

WYOMING: Brown Gravy over Smashed Bravado Biscuits

Thanksgiving Turkey and Sides

The choice of a side dish is like the nation itself. Though it varies from state to state, we're all forced to celebrate the same damn holiday. Now get into that kitchen and rattle 'em pots-n-pans.

Amanda Boyden is an American author and recipient of Nerve.com's Henry Miller Award for Best Literary Sex Scene in Pretty Little Dirty. Her latest work, I Got the Dog: A Memoir of Rising is available for purchase here or on Amazon. She lives in New Orleans with her rescue Chihuahua, Fry.

Read more about I Got the Dog here.

Honor Molloy is an award-winning novelist and playwright who can't wait until this pestilential year is behind us.

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