The Singles' Guide to Staying Warm this Winter

If you are a single person this winter, you are probably sick of seeing abominable couples torture you with their vile caresses, sickly hand-holding, and monstrous "cuffing." It's disgusting, we know. Being so close to another human being is not only unsanitary, but it makes the rest of us feel bad for not having a designated mouth on which to stick ours this jolly (so jolly) holiday season. Single people, you are not destined to die alone this winter. Here are some tips that will help you stay warm, without the loving embrace of someone who cares.

1. Hug something fluffy.

Fluff is an underestimated gift from the celestial bodies up above. Whether on a dog, a pillow, or a beloved stuffed animal of yore, fluff can fill in the empty spaces in our single (so single) lives. Have a dog? It's time for a luxurious belly rub. Don't have a dog? Go outside and find the nearest dog and give that dog the rub of your life. Are there no dogs on the street? Go ahead and find your fluffiest pillow and give him a good ol' squeeze. We especially recommend body pillows or husbands to caress you all winter-long.

2. Wear a bathrobe.

Bathrobes are not just for spas and movie stars. They can be for the spectacularly humble, single, you! Wrapping up in a luxurious robe can make you feel like there's someone waiting in the other room to see you take it off. Oh là là! (But in reality, there's really not someone in the other room.)

3. Make yourself into a human burrito.

One of my favorite afternoon activities on a cold day is to find a warm blanket and make a dinosaur's favorite meal out of myself: a human burrito. Ingredients: 1 single person, 1 huge blanket, 1 couch (can be substituted for bed). Directions: Wrap single person in blanket. Tightly. Plop on couch. Stay there for next 24 hours.

4. Burrow.

A great tip that I've picked up from my dog is burrowing (not in a hole outside, but in the couch!). He likes to search for bones he buried, but I think of it more like trying to get deep into the couch where you can just be alone with your thoughts and don't have to see other un-single people around you displaying acts of heinous love. It's my safe space.

5. Take a bath.

Now, I'm generally opposed to baths because they are actually not as sanitary as they should be, but after you've thoroughly bleached and decontaminated the tub, why not take a soak? No one's waiting for you to be anywhere. Take an hour. Take three! Really get those tub wrinkles working! (Hey, some people find that sexy!)

6. Drink a warm (adult) beverage.

Turn that hot chocolate into a hot chocolate cocktail. Splash some peppermint schnapps in that puppy to make her go down a whole lot easier. Free refills whenever you want.

7. Have a dance party for one.

Dance parties with other people are totally overrated. A dance party for one gives you the chance to sweat as much as you want, cry as much as you want, and pick your favorite jams without being shut down by the DJ. Sing along to Carry on My Wayward Son while doing a waltz with yourself. Do it, even if it doesn't make any sense.

Being single this winter doesn't have to suck. Human to human love is so 1999. Pillows, blankets, and cocktails are all we need to stay warm. Cheers to solitude!

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